My decisive battle of light vs. dark

I was ten when I faced what would prove to be the decisive battle of light vs. dark in my life.

I was bored as my parents talked to a woman in her home about something mundane, so I began to explore the house. This was the mid 70’s, so people let kids do things like that back then.

I was in the next room, which offered some relief. It was darker, which was more peaceful, and I could more easily be alone with my thoughts.

Most of the room was visible through an open archway, so I slowly wondered over to the end of the room that was darker and not visible to the adults, who were less than 20 feet away. That was the most peaceful spot, and my thoughts and imagination went into overdrive—as usual. (I was a very cerebral kid.)

After a couple of minutes, I suddenly realized there was a one-month old baby lying in a crib at the end of the room just a few feet away from me. Its eyes were open and it was perfectly calm and quiet. It had been there the whole time. It was surreal.

It did not occur to me whether it was a boy or a girl.

I had not had any experience with such a tiny baby since I was three. I put my finger in its tiny hand to see if it would grip it. Its fingers seemed impossibly tiny and delicate. They were pretty flexible too, which made me curious.

That is when I suddenly felt compelled to break its finger backwards to see what would happen. I wrestled with this urge for what seemed like several minutes before I finally overcame it.

Such a thing had happened to me a few times before then, but this was much worse.

This was the first time I overcame it, and this was the last time it ever happened.

I was not 100% healed, but that battle was decisive. It was a turning point in my life.

Although I did no harm that day, it sickens me to relive it 45 years later.

It also illuminates my transcendence, so perhaps my story will provide guidance or solace to others.

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